Licence to be selfish

Weddings harbour a lifetime of hopes and dreams

Not only for the bride and groom but for all those they hold dear.

So it’s not surprising that they can easily become a maelstrom of conflicting expectations that, if not kept in check, can make your big day memorable for all the wrong reasons.

Adele Clough is a lifestyle engineer and author of the amazing new book ‘Say Yes to Life!’ with her own business called Adele Clough International. She has spent years coaching couples through the emotional stress and anxiety caused by the inevitable wedding shenanigans.

“Wedding planning is a really exciting time, filled with exquisite choices and endless possibilities,” she said.

“The excitement of a new engagement often gives rise to others heavily investing in the upcoming celebration in unexpected ways. As enthusiastic ideas come from all corners, blurred boundaries can develop as family members or close friends want to live out their own dreams. These could take the form of an heirloom piece of jewellery or clothing they would like the bride to wear, the kind of occasion or venue they want the couple to have – or even who they want them to invite.

“In many cases, though, although these might be lovely ideas, they are just not to the bride and grooms’ taste. However, because weddings are symbolic of your life together and a source of memories to cherish, it is vitally important that your day embodies what you want it to be. It is the one time in your life when it is OK to focus on yourself, and actually important that you do.”

So, how do you keep calm in the chaos and prep for the day of your dreams? Adele shares her five essential steps

1. Set aside some time either alone or with your loved one and grab a notebook and pen. Find a quiet and comfortable space, pour your favourite drink. Sit and imagine your perfect day – from where you are and who and what is around you, to what you are wearing. Really focus on that until you have a clear picture etched in your mind. Then Jot down your ideas. Share these with someone close to you if you wish. Be sure to choose someone who will support your ideas, rather than pushing their own. When you go back into the ‘fray’, hold onto that and stay firm whenever a suggestion comes to the fore that doesn’t fit with your vision. Accept that you will encounter issues along the way, but keeping your vision clear will help you to overcome those. Remember it is your partners’ big day too and keep the channels of communication open with them. Tread carefully with the feelings of whoever is paying for the wedding. Negotiation skills may be needed with them!
   
2. Take any obstacles and tackle them head-on. Write yourself a little ‘to do’ list of the stumbling blocks that you need to overcome and pick them off, rather than being tempted to shy away from them. If you have a particular set of potential guests who don’t see eye-to-eye, for example, don’t be afraid to delegate any difficult conversations to someone who has their ear and a flair for diplomacy, and can smooth things over. Find a wedding planner, friend or a relative who is happy to be your right-hand person, not only with the planning of your wedding, but also in keeping everyone and everything in check on the day itself. Explain to them why you want them to take on this important and responsible role, and chances are they’ll be absolutely flattered that you’ve asked them and only too glad to help
3. Be prepared to say ‘no’. This is a small but powerful word and many people fear to use it because of the potential repercussions. However, if you want your day to be the way you want it to be, it’s absolutely essential you do. There might be some elements of your wedding that you’re willing to be flexible on, but be clear on the things that really matter to you and be prepared not to bend on those. This doesn’t mean that you can’t also look for compromises here and there too – such as incorporating a symbolic piece of your mum’s vintage lace into your outfit rather than wearing her whole dress. However, if the scale of the compromise outweighs the benefit – such as effectively having two different weddings to keep everyone happy – and you’re really not happy about something – say so
4. Trust your instincts. If something feels right, it probably is, and the same is true in reverse. Again, this also comes back to that clear vision, and ditching anything that deviates from it. Go with your gut feel and you will always make the right decision in the end.
5. It’s OK to change your mind. It’s so easy to get carried away in the emotion of a moment and find yourself agreeing to something someone else is really excited about, but regretting it later when you have time to reflect. If this happens, don’t worry – it’s absolutely OK to change your mind and go back to that person and tell them that, actually, you don’t really want to do whatever it is. Above all, take your time and think things through before you make decisions. Sleep on whatever it is you’re unsure about and come back to it the next morning.

But how do you actually say that little word when it really counts?

Firstly, remember that saying yes to yourself often involves saying no to others. If thoughts like “I can’t say no, they will be so upset” or “I love them so I should try to keep them happy” come to mind. Stop. Would you compromise your own happiness for the sake of theirs on your wedding day? it is YOUR day, not theirs. They are free to marry or renew their vows in any way they wish without your interference and they should afford you the same.

Firm but fair is the approach. You don’t have to hit someone with a metaphorical sledge hammer to get your point across. The best way to tell them you can’t go along with whatever it is they are proposing, is to explain why you feel the way you do, and above all acknowledge how important it is to them, and the fact that they will feel disappointed. Knowing that you do care about them and their opinions can make a vast difference to the way they react to what you have to say. For example: “I’m thrilled to have you involved in my day and I know that this will disappoint you but I’m going to have to say no to x or y.”

Finishing what you have to say with a positive is important too, so that you leave no room for dwelling on the disappointment. End the conversation by reiterating to them that you’re really excited about your day and hope they’ll bask in the experience with you and be part of your journey.

Why is saying ‘no’ so important in the lead up to saying ‘yes’?

“Weddings are very unusual events,” added Adele. “Partly because they are the one day in most lives when it’s OK for things to be all about you. It is a major life event and one that it is important to look back on positively, in terms of your photos and memories of the day. In this way, it is different to really any other day of your life.

“Weddings put couples in the limelight in ways they haven’t been ever before. Brides in particular are the subject of hair, make-up and general pampering. It’s all about being free to enjoy this and live in the moment, without feeling burned out, stressed or exhausted because of this or that ruction going on.

“In fact, your wedding is such an important lifetime occasion that if you don’t hold on tightly to the fact it is your day, and things don’t go according to plan or are fraught with nervousness and negativity, those important memories can become tarnished and resentment can build. Every family has its undercurrents and hidden agendas, but if these are allowed to hamper your wedding day this can result in rifts that might never properly heal.”

Being prepared for people to say no to you

Of course, the same can also be true in reverse, and the people you really care about can shock you by not being prepared to do whatever it is you have in mind for them – from reading a passage at your wedding to acting as your maid of honour.

“If this happens to you, take a deep breath,” said Adele. “Try to understand their reasons. They might be shy or nervous of standing up in front of a big crowd of people, for example, and it’s important that you respect their reasons and right to decline. Although you’ve got your vision, be prepared for it to flex and develop organically – as being too rigid about it is a recipe for upset.

“Above all, bear in mind that weddings are big, emotional occasions involving a bunch of flawed human beings, and try to step back from wanting everything to be picture perfect, or you’re setting yourself up for disappointment. If a toddler cries or another guest coughs during the ceremony, accept that this is part of the colour of your day and can actually make moments richer than you could ever have planned for. You’re not in a film and there isn’t an editing process. It’s real life and needs to unfold as such.”

Whatever you want – it’s all possible

Adele concluded: “There is no fundamental law that states ‘thou shalt have a wedding that is exactly like this’.

“Many of the brides I coach are dealing with the regret of having felt they had to conform to some kind of social norm. That they had to have this kind of venue, or that type of dress, because that’s the way the magazines say it has to be, or a member of their extended family wanted it that way.

“The fact is that your wedding is exactly that. You can have it big or small, traditional or alternative, black, white or any colour in between, is entirely up to you and you are in charge!

“How cool is that? My advice is that you make the most of the freedom and enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!”

Adele is also a radio presenter, with her own uplifting show starting on Hull Kingstown Radio at 1350 AM, in which she discusses a range of lifestyle matters. You can also discover more details about Adele and her work at www.adeleclough.com.

At Village Farm Marquees, we’ve spent decades working with brides and grooms on their most wonderful and challenging day of a lifetime. We’ve seen it all and can provide a supportive, experienced ear to help you with everything from choosing your event base and style – right through to dealing with any challenges and issues that arise. To arrange your free, no obligation initial consultation, call us on ( 01262) 468160 or visit info@villagefarmmarquees.co.uk